Feelings suck. I could stop there and there would be a universal understanding, like, “girl, that’s all you gotta say.” I’ve always thought that I was relatively above average at keeping my feelings in check. There have always been times where I was able to distinguish how I felt about a person/situation and had been able to logically act out on them. I was that girl who had all her shit together. I use to look at my drunk in love (or in alcohol) peers and think, “why do you act this way! It’s so emotionally out of control!”
Then it happened… My first boyfriend! I was naive and way too innocent but never had that head over heels in love feeling. I wanted to be loved. You know, like wanted so much by that person that no one else could ever want me like he did. I wanted to be the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I didn’t ever feel that way but I was addicted to him. I desired what he gave me. I tricked myself into thinking that this was what I actually wanted. Then we broke up and that hurt in a way I had never experienced before. It was a new, fresh, yearning hurt. And for the first time, at 22 years old, I felt emotionally unstable. I understood a new level of feelings just straight sucking, man.
Then I met my second boyfriend. And he was amazing. He made me feel like I was the only one he could ever love. I loved the way he looked at me. It was as if he had never seen anyone so beautiful before. I fell quickly and deeply in love with him and it was beautiful and sweet and innocent. I made assumptions that he was going to be the one I was going to marry. It was a serious love and I had never felt that before. Then he broke up with me. And I felt a new kind of hurt. I thought, “what am I going to do now?” I felt alone. I felt cheated. I felt angry. Above all of that, I felt different. And feelings sucking had never been so real to me.
Then… I met myself. I saw all the ugly in me. I saw myself lash out at these people who were hurting just like I was. I saw myself lose self control and emotional stability. I saw how mistrustful I am. I saw how broken I am. I saw how insignificant I am. I saw how beautiful I am. I saw how wanted I am. I saw how loving I could be. I saw the laughter, the care, the sweet heart, I saw everything good and I decided that I love all these things that make me. It was a love I’ve not met before. It’s an empowering, confident, worthy type of love. It’s the kind of love that no other human could ever give to me.
You see, even though feelings suck, they should never be something we regret. I felt these types of pain but came out of them a better person. Sure, I did some things that I would have never done before but I learned who I was and that makes everything that I’ve done beneficial. The most painful thing to see another human go through is lack of loving oneself. It’s damaging and hurtful. No matter the situation, always find a way back to loving yourself. Trust me when I say that there is so much freedom in that place.
I feel like this blog should have been titled “woah, shit just got real!” haha tune in next time for an article on the brighter side.
Thanks for listening.