Vulnerable

I have started writing this and stopped and started again and stopped again and started, stopped — you get it, right? I just couldn’t get through it because it sounds crazy, because it can be misconstrued, because it can be absolutely ridiculous but I need to do it even if it’s the worst blog I’ve ever written. I need to for myself and hopefully someone else will get it too. I don’t even know if I’ll make sense, but try to feel this out with me.

I’ve encountered someone I think about long after they’ve gone. I’ve tried so hard to stop but I can’t seem to get him out. I thought he’d fade away like a childhood memory. I waited for that day to come where you get the realization that it’s been a whole week and they didn’t pop up once, you know? I flirted with the idea of finding someone to distract my mind but no one could see me the way I felt he did. I started to feel alone again, my thoughts felt alone again. That’s probably what sucked the most.

I went through different emotions inside. I felt hurt, sometimes betrayed. I felt mad, sometimes pathetic. I felt like I lost something. Like, I couldn’t even replace my lost item because nothing else would be good enough and it pissed me off. I felt like someone stole something from me and I wanted it back. I wanted to walk right up and snatch it out of their hands.

I tried sorting it out but I just couldn’t because I couldn’t even say I didn’t see it coming. I knew he’d taken a piece of me and I knew I’d see him again one day. So I tried creating a place to keep him so I could learn to appreciate him. So I could understand what it meant. I took away all the FaceTimes and all the laughs. I threw away the sweet words that I no longer believed to be true. I stripped him of his flaw and I looked right into his soul. Then I just sat there and stared. I pictured him in my head and stripped him of everything I thought he was. Sometimes I thought I could feel him.

I know that sounds ridiculous. Just stay with me.

I learned that he did something much larger for me. I felt this way because I had guarded myself from so much, it was like I opened a door and emotions just spilled out. I started to understand that I had locked myself up to do what I thought was protecting me. I owed this person way more credit than I had ever given him. You see, I felt emotions that I had swore away. I was open. I shared secrets. They actually just kind of poured out of me. It’s a little comical. I made myself vulnerable. I was going with the flow and loving every bit of it. I understood why he did what he did and I was more than okay. Because he taught me something valuable. And this is what I want you to get.

When you’re upset or feel like you’ve been treated less than what’s deserved. Dig deep down and be kind to yourself and them. I knew that there will be people who do a drive by on your life and you can let it tear you up or you can look past it and accept them for who they were in that period of time. Essentially, you can choose to love them.

Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people that do way worse. I want to be clear that this should obviously not apply to all things. Sometimes you can’t understand why people hurt you and in those instances you shouldn’t be okay with it.

I’m not perfect, I think that’s obvious. I’m still sorting it out but I can 100% say I’m not at all upset or hurt anymore. I’m thankful. And I’d hope you’d be too. I was starved of an excitement like that. I will forever be grateful for lessons he taught me and the short ride we took.

It is so cliche but people truly do cross your path for a reason and, who knows, maybe they might cross it again. So be prepared to be genuinely happy for them and to enjoy them if they pass by again.

I’ll end with this; try to see people and I mean truly see them and try to move forward with a healthy and realistic outlook on life. There are beautiful souls out there. Sometimes you just gotta take your emotions out of it and look for the beauty.

…Thank You…
Gena

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