It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it? It’s a time in our lives when all things seem to lose control. It’s scary, exciting, and different. What some people don’t tell you, is it’s lonely. It’s lonely because it’s not always something everyone can understand.
I know, I’m there. I’m in it. I packed one bag and flew across the United States after 26 years in Alaska.
“You can find what you’re looking for here”
“no one finds what they need away from home”
“You’ll be back in a couple months”
I’ve heard so much. So many opinions on how to “fix” what I feel inside. You know what though…. you’re not me. Let me say that again…
You’re. Not. Me.
Jump inside my heart and mind, then give me your opinion. Run through my thoughts then tell me how easy this is to “fix”. I have left behind my entire life… how limiting… I say that was “my entire life”. This is not easy. This is not super duper fun. I’m not on cloud nine. What even is “this”?
I can’t drive over and see my niece and nephews. I can’t wake up and decide what kind of pranks I’ll be pulling on my dad today. I can’t stop over and bring my mom lunch. I can’t pop in and see my friends or family.
I am empty inside. I feel exhausted. I am so homesick it’s ridiculous. I want to cry every night but I don’t. I have paid a price but I’ve done it for me.
For once… this price is for me.
I have cut ties with one of my very best friends because I couldn’t grant myself a home in him. I have unintentionally hurt people I love so much… but I did this for me. Call me selfish, but know, you misunderstand my motive.
I need to get me together. I need to be better than the badass I used to be. I am not that cool. I have been humbled beyond imagination. I need to look in the mirror and be more than happy with my reflection.
If you know me, truly know me, look deeper than my words and love me through this because I will never stop loving you. That will never change.
I’m still here, through all this change, I am still here. Be here with me or catch up on the other side. There is no in between for me right now.