I can’t tell you how many times I laid in bed with tears escaping through tightly closed eyelids.

I can’t tell you how many times I reached out for you in the mysterious black hole in my mind.

I can’t tell you how many times I desperately tried to see your face instead of the back I became so familiar with.

How many times I called out for you while I floated in darkness desperately trying to find my way.

Where I screamed hoping the echo wouldn’t get lost in between the unforgiving depth of the cliff I stood upon.

Where I begged for you to feel me despite the gaping void between us.


I can’t tell you how absolutely necessary that space was.

How refreshing it was to scream as loud as I wanted, watching while my words disappeared into nothingness.

How freeing it was to plead as much as my soul desired in an empty courtroom.

How rejuvenating it was to let go as my body turned from that cliff, only to be met by the warm embrace of sun.

Where my mind flourished under the blue sky I had failed to notice.

Where my spirit carelessly played, glowing even in the shade.

It was here, where my love grew, in the beautifully muted, comfortably absent, perfectly out of reach…




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