You were the first guy I’d ever been alone with, My first hand to hold, and my first date.
You were my first boyfriend, my first sleepover, and my first kiss.
You were my first break up, my first fight, and my first hurt.
You were my first love, my first everything.
I learned all I could about you. I tried all the things you like. I gave all of me to you.
I choked on my own words. I dismissed my own thoughts. I frowned on my own smile.
I fought to keep you happy. I died to give you life. I suffocated my own light to give you, yours.
To my first… I’m sorry.
I’m sorry because I was your first too.
The first one you tried to love the best way you knew how.
The first one to hurt you.
The first one you wouldn’t let go of.
The first one you made mistakes with.
The first one to reach in and hold your heart.
I’m sorry you missed out on me and I, you.
To My First,
I hate that you say you’re sorry, and find a way to slide right back in, that I let you slide right back in.
I hate that every time you come back, I’m helpless, grasping for someone to pull me out… To see me, to love me, because I forget how to love myself.
I hate that I have to fight so hard to remember I’m not who you say I am. That I’m not weak, I don’t have to try harder, and I can do better.
I hate that the words you say, tear open what I’ve worked so hard to sew back up.
I hate that all the pain I’ve felt, floods right back in. That I’m reduced to tears and I become powerless against you, powerless in life.
I hate that I’m in this alone, that I feel this alone, that I drown in you alone…
I hate that I cannot hate you.
Because I love that you cannot break me.
To my first,
Thank you for teaching me the importance of self love and respect.
Tl;dr: I. Ain’t. Beat.