I swipe through old photos, watch old videos of my friends, my family, and live in old memories. They make me happy, they make me smile.
But The people in the photos are in the past. They’re different but the same, you know? Everyone has changed, they’ve moved forward with their lives. My siblings have grown up, basically. My friends have grown up. They’re all onto something different. They’re all happy in their new “same”
And here I am, indulging in the past. Holding on to the memories of people who are presently, different. I am stunting my own growth because I’m having a hard time grasping all the change swirling around me. I made a huge move. I left the old me behind and am trying to find old me in my future.
It’s been hard. My mind has been trying to comprehend all the emotions I’ve been feeling and it’s been stuck. Stuck because of how hard I’ve resisted. Stuck because of how often I dwell on things that aren’t real anymore. I’m having a rough time because I’m here now. Because literally everything has changed around me.
I am use to being in control of my outcomes. In control of my emotions. But I have absolutely no control. I have no idea, like, What the hell am I doing? It’s such an after thought. Waaaay late, right? Because I’ve already done it. Blehhh Words just aren’t enough.
I know that I’ll be alright. I know that I’ll find my “normal” again. But in the meantime, this is not easy and I’m not going to continue pretending it is because I am making myself go crazy. I am different and I have to be okay with that.
People won’t always be happy. We won’t always have it all together. We won’t always be able to do things by ourselves. We all know this. All I’m asking is we cut each other some slack and allow room for necessary growth. It’s something I’m re-learning because I feel I’ve lost it.