How often do you ask yourself that question? How often do you wonder, “Is something wrong with me?” You know, the famous “What the hell am I doing?!”
For me, I’ve asked myself those questions almost every night. I’ve been told by multiple people that I’m not myself. That I wouldn’t feel that way if I came back home. Home as in Alaska. And I get it, I understand why they’d ask me that. Because I’ve definitely not been myself. But that doesn’t mean I’ve not had the same thoughts while being home.
Home had all of the comfortable distractions I needed to get myself past those thoughts. Friends, family, familiarity, an easy escape. But home didn’t erase that feeling, deep within, that surfaced those questions.
My siblings have significant others. Two have children. My parents are back together and happy. They have their own purpose, drive, inspiration, things to look forward to every day. I’d feel the same, if not worse, if I flew home right now because things are tough for me. I’m learning myself without the escapes I’ve often resorted to.
I don’t have a family of my own. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not ready for either of those responsibilities or commitments. My life is not like those close to me. I’m learning to love where I’m at, while, simultaneously, talking myself out of giving in to the notion that I am crazy.
Talking myself out of it because I’m being told something I already know consistently. I know it’s out of love. I know it’s because my friends and my family are worried about me. But think about where I’m at and where you’re at. We are in different places in life. We always have been, I’m just really uncomfortable now.
I’m going through real growing pains and that means I won’t always have a great day. Some days will feel terribly lonely. Some days will be awesome because I am alone. And I love that.
I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I’m not as stable as I thought I was. But I am slowly but surely balancing myself out. I realize that there are some things I need to adjust and make right.
So am I crazy? Maybe a little. Is something wrong with me? Maybe haha but it’s nothing new. I have always felt that. What am I doing? I’m learning to be okay with where I’m at, in comparison with where those around me are at. I’m learning to understand myself. I’m learning that this is not a race. I’m growing.
Don’t feel bad for where you’re at in life. Don’t feel bad for feeling like the odd one. Pick yourself up and embrace the pain that comes with growth.