This Ones For You

I see us in the future. I see us having fun and being silly with each other. Playing pranks on you, saying or doing ridiculous things and getting a puzzled look in response. I see us being the favorite couple at the bar. The funnest couple at every event. The couple that doesn’t do things in a conventional way.

I see a true partnership. You’re my strength when I’m weak, my safe space, my escape and my reality. I’m your biggest cheerleader, I love you in every element… past, future, and present. And sometimes we switch traditional roles because we’re both… we’re everything to each other when it’s seems there’s nothing. I see us building an empire together for those we love and for ourselves. I can see an us.

It’s scary to say I can see all of that, that I dream all of that. It’s scary to tell you this because sometimes I can’t even see what tomorrow will be like. Sometimes I can’t tell how you really feel. Sometimes I think you’d be happier with anyone else, that you feel bad because if you were real with how you felt, you’d be afraid to hurt me.

Because Sometimes I don’t think I look good enough for you. Sometimes I don’t think I’d ever be enough for you. That I’m too boring for you. That I’m too chill or not crazy enough. That I’m not someone you’d actually like forever. Because I’m plain.

Because if I told you all that I think all the time you’d cut our rope and leave it hanging on by a thread. I think what I’m afraid of most, is that after you see me at a low, you’ll never love me the same way again. And as long as I can barely see tomorrow, I don’t think I’m willing to risk losing any part of you. I don’t think I can without losing all of you with one part.

So what do I see in my future? So much of you, so much of me, and so much of us. My hurdle is being able to see now.

I have no happy or encouraging ending to this one. Sometimes thoughts of what you feel inside can be so overwhelming you do or say stupid things. The good thing about all of those thoughts, is you get to reset as many times as you want until you no longer are resetting and slowly learn to start living.

So when the now isn’t manageable, remember to try again tomorrow. I will always try again with you, you will always get another tomorrow from me, I will always love You. Because I feel like you’ve always been a part of me I knew was missing.

-Gena

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