Heart break

You’d think it’d get easier. That painfully deep ache inside your heart. But it never does. No matter how many times you go through it. You find escape at work and in other things but with each long drive home You sink right back in.

You wish desperately for it to go away. The relentless yearning that engulfs every part of your body. But again, it feels like it never will.

You can’t even say it is heartbreak because it feels like so much more. You go through waves of different emotions. You feel angry. You feel sad. You feel empty. You feel numb. You feel pathetic. I feel it.

I’m waiting to feel relieved. Like this was the right decision. Like I made the right call because he wouldn’t make that call. I feel like I hate him for that.

I’m waiting to feel peace again. I’m waiting for the day that he doesn’t cross my mind. I’m waiting so badly to be able to move on so I can love again. Because as much as this one hurts I want to love again. You absolutely have to love again.

This one knocked me out. And it’s pathetic because he probably doesn’t feel this as much as I do. He never could. He’s never been on my side of things in this. I feel like I hate him even more for that. And that’s okay, feel all the feelings. I hate feeling hate. I’d so much rather feel love.

I guess that’s how I know it’ll eventually get better. Because deep down I’m not someone who hates. I will love someone so completely. And I will always love myself for who I am. I won’t apologize for knowing what I deserve. You shouldn’t ever apologize for being you.

I won’t force someone to change. I just ask that if you know you’re not for me. Don’t feel sorry for me, ever. That’d be insulting. Don’t come back around when you feel lonely. Just leave and find someone who is more for you.

It’ll always get better. You have no choice but to make it better. You can’t give up. You can’t stay broken. The person who is meant for you needs all of you and give them the best you. I deserve more than I’ve had. I know my worth. I know what I want.

I know it’ll get better. And I will continue to convince myself it will until it does. Whoever “you” are, Remember to do the same.

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